Why You Should Prioritise Self-Compassion in 2023

One of my favorite parts in the process of coaching high-performers is the point at which we start talking about self-worth and self-compassion. Without fail, my high-achieving clients get a bit suspicious when I explain that I’d like them to experiment with being supportive and compassionate to themselves!!! If you feel equally suspicious about the idea of self-compassion, as in “you’re sure it all sounds lovely but not entirely clear on how it relates to high-performance” or the idea of being nice to yourself after a mistake fills you with anxiety…. then read on. This article will explain why you feel that way and, most importantly, seek to convince you that self-worth and self-compassion are ESSENTIAL for your 2023 goals.

Why do we love to be hard on ourselves?

Quite simply because we believe, incorrectly, that this is how we get results from ourselves. This belief usually comes from a long history of being hard on yourself and mistakenly assuming that this is what has gotten you to where you are. We also usually (and again mistakenly) assume that if we were to stop being hard on ourselves and try out a bit of compassion, we would likely loose all motivation and spend the rest of our days on the couch watching Netflix.

When I suggest to most high-performers that they will get better results by NOT being hard on themselves, I’m often met with confused statements such as:

“I can’t even imagine being nice to myself after a mistake… it feels like a cop out.”

“I don’t know who I’d be if I wasn’t being mean to myself.”

“But that negativity drives me, if I wasn’t hard on myself I don’t think I’d accomplish anything.”

The Hard Truth

Being hard on ourselves is a terrible long-term strategy for success. Why? Because self-directed negativity produces a lot of negative emotions such as guilt, frustration, anger, disappointment, shame, and sadness, and these negative emotions make it very hard for us to perform to our full potential. They disrupt our focus, sap our energy, and drain away our self-belief and self-trust.

Over time, the more we depend on self-criticism as a source of motivation the closer we drive ourselves to burnout and, ironically, depleted motivation.

An Important Distinction

To truly grasp what I’m talking about here, we need to clarify the difference between self-criticism and self-discipline. Self-compassion isn’t about dropping every standard and goal you have for yourself, quite the opposite. When combined with self-discipline it can turn us into an unstoppable force.

Self criticism is a hyper focus on what you’ve done wrong with a self-blame focus. In contrast, I like to think about self-discipline as living life with a healthy respect for and awareness of one’s values and personal standards, always striving for excellence instead of perfection and responding to personal mistakes and set-backs with compassion and curiosity. Responding compassionately to our own mistakes allows us to step out of the whirlwind of our emotional response and consider the lesson the mistake holds for us. This is crucial for progress and growth.

How to Unlock Self-Compassion

In order to unlock self-compassion, we must do some work on our self-worth. Self-compassion flows much more naturally when we believe we are worthy of it. As a high-achiever and/or perfectionist you are probably in the habit of attaching your self-worth to achievements. For example: I’m good enough when I win, achieve a goal, win approval and praise, get a promotion, make more money… etc. When our sense of worthiness as a human being is dependent on constant achievement we feel we must do everything possible to drive ourselves forward. This turns us into something like a merciless leader who only cares about the results and is willing to sacrifice anything to get them. Change this pattern by granting yourself the same unconditional worthiness you offer the people you care about. You deserve to be spoken to with compassion and respect and encouragement - especially when those words come from yourself! Warning - this will feel uncomfortable and weird at first. Stick with it by reminding yourself of this key piece of research:

“Self-compassion INCREASES motivation and self-control.”

- Kelly McGonigal The Joy of Movement

Taking Action

So, whatever your goals are for 2023, I encourage you to add a personal goal of improving your way of responding and reacting to your own mistakes and setbacks. Doing this will feel strange because as a high-achiever you’ve been practicing driving yourself towards an impossible goal of perfection with harsh self-criticism for quite some time now! However, if you are serious about making real progress with your goals in 2023 you will need self-compassion to keep your motivation and self-control high.

Interested in clarifying your goals and removing your obstacles to success in 2023? Contact Annika (click HERE) to set up a free introductory call.